Thursday, May 6, 2010

altogether separate

You know, I'm not quite sure why I started this blog. Honestly, I feel a little narcissistic. A blog all about me, me, me...

And it's not like I've never blogged before. I actually maintained a blog for about two years, writing about school and theater and my wedding and working in Orlando. I just got the urge to start something new, and here I am.

I went for a walk today, and with plenty of time to think, I mused about my blogging. And I think I know why I started this.

I've gone through a lot of changes in a very short amount of time. Since last December, I performed my last university role, graduated from college, got my first "grown up" job, got married, and moved out of the house. That's a lot of upheaval in the span of five months.

And in those five months, I've gone from someone who identified herself as a single girl, a student, and an actress. Now I'm just your average housewife...and I don't want to be that.

I have always been stubborn and fiercely independent, and getting engaged never changed that. Don't get me wrong- I feel that getting married was the right thing for me to do, and I love P dearly. But while we were engaged, we were at separate schools an hour apart. I could still stay out late, spend hours in rehearsal, and lounge around my private room. Now I'm living in a rather small apartment, married, and without classes or rehearsals to go to. While P and I still have our separate friends and hobbies, I am still rebelling a bit against the fact that I am a wife.

I think I have to re-identify myself, especially when it comes to my hobbies. I've been in theater since I was three years old; I've been involved with 34 different productions. The last time I went a full year without being involved with a show I was in kindergarten. I feel a bit lost without the constancy of auditions, memorizing lines, showing up at rehearsals. And I definitely miss the camaraderie.

I think I'm blogging to find myself. And I think that's why I started a new blog, rather than continuing the old one. My original blog was full of college-girl insecurities and problems that I don't deal with anymore. My life is completely different, and I think I needed a new outlet.

And I think that I'm turning to fashion as a way of expressing myself, now that I no longer have a reliable source of theater. Well, fashion and writing. I have a lot of novels and short stories tumbling round in my head right now...

So that's that.

Although, before I close this entry, I just want to reiterate one last point. Yes, I am stubborn and independent, but I am also completely sure that I was meant to get married, and meant to be married to P. No amount of stubbornness can change that fact.

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